My Birthversary

I just passed the 14th anniversary of my 29th birthday. Otherwise known as 'I'm old-er' as of Saturday. 

I think back, not to the birthdays of my youth, but to my recent birthdays. The birthdays of my youth are filled with the innocence of believing that birthdays are all about getting older. Believing that the best is yet to come and not where you are right then. Youthful birthdays are all about counting the numbers off. 

Three years ago (2011) I was smack dab in the midst of trying to lose weight on my own. I was supporting Pete in his gastric band process. I was having some success, some failure, but felt optimistic that I could be a better, healthier version of me. I remember feeling some irritation at Pete from how hard he was working and how much success he was having. Jealousy perhaps. Not that I wasn't happy for him, but I wanted the level of success also.  I remember shopping with him for his post surgery meals, trying to find everything on his list. In the same shopping trip I shopped for myself, excited to have some meals that were my favorites, that he wouldn't and at that time, couldn't. How lame. 

2 years ago (2012) I was recovering from my own surgery. I was the one shopping for post surgery meals, sore from the surgery and trying to learn a new way of eating. I remember how freaking determined I was!  Hope hopeful I was. I was committed to this healthiness journey. Pete supported me, much in the same was I did him. 

Last year (2013) I felt awesome. I was well under 200 pounds and more importantly I felt so incredible. I fit into sizes that I hadn't since collie and high school.  I loved going to they gym and had goals that were exercised based. I had muscles that showed and cheekbones and collarbones. I ate 80% healthy and craved healthy food. I remember the joy I felt at running 8 miles the first time, going up in weight at Body Pump class and sitting in my car afterwards with a smile that wouldn't quit. I remember the mental clarity, the emotional evenness and the energy I had each day after starting it at the gym. I was happy, hopefull and in a groove. 

This year?  I'm different. A life altering decision resulted in a life altering surgery. I've gained 30 pounds and I'm heavier than my pre gastric band surgery. I crave sweets after every meal and my portions are way off track. The gym is a twinkle that's dimmed by my hitting the snooze button. I'm not happy physically or emotionally. My motivation is gone. 

In the last couple of days I've seen some things on Instagram about days of self love or happiness. And I'm jumping in...with a twist. 

21 Days To A Healthy Habit. It takes 21 days/3weeks to make practicing something a habit. 21 short days. 3 weeks. An hour or so a day.  My first healthy habit is just getting to the gym. I  need this habit again. It's both helpful physically, emotionally and mentally. I need this. 

Today Has No Plan

Today has no revolutionary plan to change my life completely by Friday. 

I keep seeing on Pinterest this quote about if you're tired of starting over, don't quit anymore.  Well damn, that's a kick in the pants.

This is the thing, I don't think I quit.  I think that I was on am on this healthiness journey in life.  This marathon to the end.  And along the way, I needed to detour to do something else for my health.  Right?  I mean, who the hell cares if I'm skinny Michelle with rock hard abs and hips like a 13 year old if I have breast cancer and my body is ravaged by the side effects of chemo?

Keep trying.

I met with Dr July.  My very loved bariatric surgeon.  She is one of two doctors that I'd follow to the ends of the Earth for care if they left this area.  She's brutally honest and wants me to be honest too.  She's caring, but will tell me to kick it in gear when I need it.  She also doesn't have unreasonable expectations of me.

She noted that I gained 15 pounds since prior to surgery and about 5 pounds in the last month.  Clearly, my band is not where it needs to be to keep me from stuffing my face.  Clearly, I need this band to be set for me to help me eat in a way that is healthy.  It's convicned me that I really do need this band.  We talked for a while about how I've been doing and what's been stopping me from being healthy.  Really talked.

One of my issues is that I don't know how to work my abs and chest so that I'm not hurting them, but rebuilding muscle.  I can't walk/run because my abs are so weak and really a bit injured still from surgery.  So I'm on this cycle.  She referred me to a few sessions with a sports physical therapist to help me learn how to do that without hurting myself. 

She referred me back to eating 3 planned meals and 2 planned snacks a day.  To try this for a couple of weeks and if I can't sustain this, I need to make an appointment with the nutristionist for some check ups on my eating habits and patterns.

She referred me to their exercise specialist at the center.  I can meet with her as often as needed for help with appropriate exercises for healing and getting back to loving that daily workout.

And I committed to myself to be mindful of my eating again.  To ask myself why I'm eating before I put something in my mouth.  And to check myself for a healthier option to what I was/am about to put in my mouth.  Mindful eating.

So I have a plan.  But unlike the other plans, this is today.  I'll worry about tomorrow when it arrives.

My Life *IS* Randoms

I was watching some TV show today talking about being authentic.  And I couldn't help but wonder if I needed therapy.  I mean, in the last 48 hours I've signed up to be an advocate for Force but actively spent hours wondering if I did the right thing in having surgery.  I'm irritated/frustrated about my inability to work out/run like I used to and hate the number on the scale, but eat chocolate cake and chex mix like it's my main sustenance. 

I think I have it all figured out at various points in my life, but when I look back on those episodes in life, I never really had much figured out.  What is clear to me is that I give pieces of my puzzle to everyone.  They help with that one piece and I bring it back to add it to the table.  The thing is that the piece changes a little with each fix and the puzzle no longer fits together.  So I cover up the empty spaces as best that I can to make the puzzle look whole.

When I met Pete I starting giving him more and more pieces to my puzzle.  And it was so liberating.  My heart soared and my soul was more free than it had been since I was a child.  The preverbal birds sang and hearts floated on air.  The issue?  I revert back into myself and start hoarding my pieces.  This causes me pain and issues and self doubt and all that crap floats back in my head.  I close off to Pete and he thinks that he is doing something wrong and he closes himself off.

Lets get one thing clear.  Well 2 things.  1.  I love Pete with my heart and soul.  2. Closed off people cannot succeed in a relationship and be truly happy.

So I come back to the thought - Do I Need Therapy?  I've never done it before.  Well, no, that's not true.  I've done some sessions for my TMJ back when I was a teen and I've done some sessions for an assessment for my lap band/gastric band.  I know that there are people who are totally against it.  I know that there are people who participate and keep it secret.  Then there are people who sign from the rooftops about therapy.

Maybe I'm tired of trying to hold my puzzle pieces in place.  Maybe I'm tired of not being able or feeling like I can show anyone my puzzle.  Maybe I just want someone to validate my thoughts and let me know that I'm normal, or at least working towards normal.

197.2: Medical Updates

Bump Watch 2013:

I detailed how the doctor thought I may have a blood clot in this post.  After an ultrasound, they believe that it's some inflamed tissue and dying fat.  The doctor prefers to leave it and see if my body will just absorb the dying fat and the tissue will settle down.  Now as gross as all this sounds, the dying fat is normal.  They expect some of this.  the doctor has said all along that it's likely that they would have to go back in and do some additional liposuction to even out my breasts and that some of the fat may die and that also can be corrected.

So I've been living with this.  But currently, we are on Bump Watch 2013.  Over last weekend I was sweeping (I know!  I know I shouldn't be doing it.) and then the area around the bump was more sore than usual.  A few hours later, I moved my left arm and a pain shot through my chest by the bump.  Since that time, when I move, there are random times that I feel the same pain.  Monday night it happened when took something from the table next to me and moved it laterally towards me.  Ouch.  Then it reoccurred in bed.  After a couple times of it happening, I tend to hold my arm against me when I walk and stop using my arm.  I turned to the right to grab something off my nightstand and then back to the left to talk to Pete and the searing pain shot through my chest and up my neck.  So we started Bump Watch 2013:

It's about 3 inches around and very hard at night.  It's decreased in pain, size and not as hard in the morning.  I know that I need to ask about when to do something and what would happen with this bump.  It's prohibiting me from doing things like exercising my shoulders/arms, showering, writing/typing, etc.

Dead Skin Watch 2013:

So, I have a patch of skin under my left breast that is dying.  Again, it's something that they expect.  As long as it's not spreading/growing, it's ok.  I've been watching it for the last week.  When it started, it was the size of a nickel.  Now, it's the size of a pencil eraser.  But it's getting better.

Gastric Band Update:

I went from 10.15cc to 8.15cc prior to surgery.  I didn't want any food sticking to issues with possible nausea while recovering.  In the hospital there were times that I had dry heaves the night after surgery.  It was horrible.  Not only did it hurt my abdomen and chest to have to flex the muscles, but it would have been much worse if there were issues with my band while that was happening. 

I went back Wednesday and had my band doctor put more back in the band.  I'm over eating because I know that I can and I need that fill to remind me to STOP.  So she put 2 of the 3cc back in.  I feel less hungry already and less interested in food again.  I ate less for dinner and breakfast.  Whether it's purely in my head or not, I have no idea.

Weight, Drains and Knowing My Body

Breakfast @ 8am:  1 piece of white toast with 1/2 avocado mashed on.
Lunch @ noon:  most of a artichoke panini from Panera.
Dinner @ 6: ready to eat Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes.

In between I had 5 pieces of Australian blueberry licorice, 1/6 of a single layer round chocolate cake, 4 Keebler chocolate lovers chocolate chip cookies and potentially other things that I forgot. 

When I finished most of the sandwich at lunch I knew I needed to visit Dr July again.  So I made an appointment for a fill on my Realize Band in 8/7/13.  When I was into the doctor last week he told me that I would be safe going back for a fill one month out from surgery.

I haven't been weighing myself because really it's not a fair weight.  In addition to any weight I may have gained, I had swelling in some areas still and I have 2 drains left.  The drains look like this:

Source

The drains themselves have weight to them and they hang by pins on an elastic belt at my waist.  There is about 8 inches of tubing and the ball outside my body.  About 4-8 inches of tubing is inside my body.  There is also the fluid that collects in them over the day.  It's between 30-40 cc currently.  So I know that weighing myself now isn't accurate and I don't want to be frustrated.

That said, I can feel myself slipping onto bad eating habits and being less active because it's easier.  I need both a plan to increase exercise and eat better and to get my band filled so I can use that tool to remind me about eating. 

These are my action plans: 
1.  Set the appointment and stick to it.
2.  Before I eat anything, ask myself if what I'm feeling and if I'm really hungry or just emotional.
3.  Walk twice a day OR do some activity in lieu of walking.  For instance,  washing up along with washing my hair or shaving my parts counts as activity (for now).
4.  Be mindful of getting back to healthy lifestyle.

192; 3 cc's

So yesterday.  Yesterday.

Yesterday I went to see my gastric band doctor.  I weighed 3 pounds more by their scale than I do at home.  But like I said before, they frown on naked weighing in the doctor's office.  We talked about how the band has been and that I feel like it's where I want to be with the band.

Then we got serious.  Surgery.  She was very sympathetic.  I was teary. 

I told her how scared I was to not be able to exercise like I want to for probably a year.  I told her that I needed to take some fluid from the bad so it was less restrictive so that it wasn't a complication after surgery.  I told her I was scared that something would happen to the tubing from the band to the port and it would need to be replaced at a later date.

And she listened.  She nodded.  She answered my questions and told me it would all be ok.  If the tubing had to be cut, they'd put a new port in and not to worry about it.  She said my body needs time to heal so don't worry about not working out like mad for months on end.  She said we could take as much or as little fluid out as I felt comfortable with. 

And I exhaled.  I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath.  She suggested 2 cc's of fluid and I asked for 3 just to be safe.  The last thing I need is sticking or issues when I'm already in pain. 

This is what 3 cc's looks like.

Then I went back to work and went home to Pete.  He also calmed me and reminded me that my weight is going to fluctuate.  With surgery and excess fluid and healing and not moving.  It's going to go up likely, but will come back down as I get more mobile.

So this morning I tested the band.  I ate half an apple fritter on the way to work.  Oh it was so freaking good!  The crispy fried edges with the sugary glaze.  Yup.  It's been a long time since I had one and it was glorious.

Until about 30 minutes later when I felt hot, clammy and light headed enough to stop my conversation with a co-worker and sit in a chair in case I passed out.  So sugar?  That appears to be no good for me.  So maybe the checks and balances of the band and my body are still there?  Maybe I shouldn't worry about overeating  or eating the wrong things in the next 12 days before surgery?  My body will check me, whether I like it or not!

191; Pete's Progress

This morning I checked my Facebook and there was a photo of Pete tagged.  I stared at it for a good long while because it's so amazing to see how far he's come.  This is the photo:

It think it's from 4 years ago.  We were riding out to a motorcycle event.  We have a daring shutterbug who takes photos from his camera mounted on the handlebars.  He was probably about 330 pounds then.

This was from September 2010, the same year.  We were in North Carolina a the Biltmore tour.  He was carrying my wine because I was too tipsy to trust myself.  This is the trip that made him really think about his weight and consider the gastric band.  He was tired of losing the weight, getting burned out from the drastic exercising and then gaining it back.  He said that the car ride (we drove from MN to NC, SC, GA & TN, then back home) was uncomfortable and when the car was uncomfortable he knew that he had to do something.

This is Pete now:

We had lunch with my niece last month.  See how small his face is?  This is the whole him:

Amazing, isn't it?  Truly amazing. 

2 years out, he's kept his weight within about 10 pounds of where he wants to be.  He feels best at about 180-185.  But at that weight, he looks somewhat thin, but that may be because we were all so used to how "full" he looked when he was overweight.  He goes through periods of exercising 6 days a week and then will burn out and stop for a couple of weeks and then go back to exercising, but in a different way.  The difference between before and now is that with the band, he's reminded not to over eat when he take a break form working out.  He also doesn't let himself get above a certain weight and starts working out again when it gets close to it.

Bottom line is that he no longer snores, he doesn't need blood pressure meds and his blood sugars aren't high.  He will likely always struggle with consistent exercise (as will I) and cycle on and off the gym to take breaks.  But he's healthy, he's happy and he looks awesome!

An Update and a Decision To Make

When I saw the surgeon Tuesday I left the office feeling much better.  After conversations with family and friends since then, I'm learning a lot and understanding better.

The surgeon explained that the cells from the biopsy were pre-cancerous cells.  Given my risk factors, it's likely that the cells would turn into cancer in the next several years.  She said this was the early warning bell from my body.  She also said that I have choices to make and none of them are wrong.  It feels extremely good to know that it's not cancer...yet.  It feels extremely good to feel like I am in control of my body and my choices.

I can decide to have a lumpectomy and continue with the MRI/mammograms.  I can decide to do nothing with it and continue with the screening tools.  I can choose to take Tamoxifen as a preventative drug.  I can choose to have a single or double mastectomy with reconstruction.  None of these are wrong and all would be covered by my insurance.

I am leaning toward the double mastectomy.  I know that it seems radical, but it reduces my chances of breast cancer from about 50-60% to 1-2%.  Given that the general population has a 1 in 8 chance of getting breast cancer, my risk would be lower, even with my family history.  And you know what?  I'm ok with it.  It's not that I'm not scared of the process and the healing and everything that goes with it.  But I'm ok with it for two reasons:  1.  This has been looming over my life for a long time and it's a relief to get it over with.  2.  It's my choice and I can take my time in making the decisions about when and where and how.

When we (and I'm going to say we form now on, because we all were there and it concerns us all), my Mom, my Sister and I, went to genetic counseling 4 years ago, I felt like the test result took the choice from me.  I grieved over the potential loss of my breasts and ovaries.  I felt like this is what identified me as a woman and losing them was so final that I'd no longer be a 'woman'.  In the time since then, I've come to realize that as long as I don't have cancer in me, the choice is mine and that my ovaries and breasts don't define me, I define me.  I say who I am and how I live and what I do.  The power of having a choice is great. 

So in a couple of weeks we meet with the genetic counselor again.  Then I meet with a couple of plastic surgeons to see what my choices are for reconstruction.  I'd love it if they could take my bat wing arm skin, my tummy pooch and the excess fat/skin on my thighs and do something with that.  But my guess is that isn't how it works. 

I need to see how the gastric band would effect any surgery.  And I need to see how it would effect being able to work out; run and lift weights.  I feel like a huge giant slug these last few weeks not working out and I want to get back at it.

188: I'm Dating the Scale

Confession:  I haven't worked out in 3 weeks. 

Initially I had a migraine that knocked me down for the count.  Then I developed the bump/knot on my head and didn't feel like bobbing around to run.  Then it moved into my shoulders and arms and I certainly didn't want to be swinging them while running.

I was going to the gym to sit in the sauna and hot tub and having Pete massage my neck. 

So when I felt better by Friday Pete and I went out to finally get me my new running shoes.  I had plans on running this weekend, but never did.  This morning the alarm went off and I realized that I had not only not set it for the gym, but that I was freaking dead tired. 

This guy has allergies.

And an eye issue.  So per the vet's instructions, we are giving him Benedryl every 8 hours and eye goop every 8 hours.  I'm 188 pounds and a Benedryl makes me sleepy.  He's 23 pounds and it pretty much knocks him out.  And all he wanted to do was sleep on my lap.  So when we went to bed, he was curled into my tummy as I slept on my side.  He did not move all night.  So every time I wanted to move, I couldn't.  Therefore I didn't sleep well. 

I jumped on the scale this morning to check where I was at and I lost 4 pounds over the weekend.  Mainly because the weather was weird, we had snow and rain and the pressure was up.  So my band was tighter and I could eat very little each meal.  But I wasn't ever hungry after the meal.  I just ate slower and less, which is what the band is supposed to do.  So I guess this means that I'm not broken up with the scale, we're just dating.

192; One Thing

When I talk about my journey I talk about it in pieces.  Sometimes in days and what worked for me on that day.  Sometimes in what plan for eating that I stuck to; calorie limiting, fresh veggie eating, low carb.  Sometimes in workouts; cardio, cardio and weights, personal training.  Some time in my ah-ha moments; realizing I can lose weight, joining a gym, tracking calories.

When I sit back and look at that I realize that there isn't one thing that lead me to where I am today.  (another ah-ha moment).  Realize that for you, there is likely not ONE THING either.  Don't count on one thing, don't rely on one thing and certainly don't borrow someone else's one thing.

Just as not one thing made my success at work or school, not one thing lead to me becoming an adult and not one thing keeps my marriage intact.  There is not one thing that defines anyone.

I read a lot of blogs.  Chances are that if you see me with down time I'm likely reading a blog on some platform - my phone, my netbook, my PC.  And chances are that it's got something to do with living healthy.  And there are bloggers that I just want to reach out to and sit down with and chat, one to one about my struggle and where I've ended up so far.  I'm not saying that I have all the answers by any means.  Not at all.  In fact give it  a year and I could have gained 50 pounds.

What I am saying is that I see such a prejudice for any intervention that's not a person working out and eating differently.  And I'm not saying that everyone needs weight loss surgery either.  But there are so many things in between.  So many other interventions that professionals can help with.  Structured nutritionist, eating disorder therapy, support groups other than Weight Watchers, structured fitness through a doctor....  Some times just an honest conversation with your general practitioner/doctor about your efforts so far and what they suggest.

And I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that people should look at weight loss surgery also.  Go to the presentation that your local Bariatric Surgeon does.  Meet with a surgeon or nurse in the practice and find out more about it.  It doesn't mean you're locked into a program for surgery.  My center has a program for structured weight loss that is covered by insurance when BMI doesn't meet the criteria.

I guess I look at it this way:  you only get one life, live it the best you can.  Since obesity is such an epidemic in our nation, seek help with it once you've tried it on your own.

If you were diagnosed as a diabetic, would you refuse all intervention other than to change your eating, even if it was killing you slowly? 

So why refuse intervention if your obesity is killing you slowly?  It's ok to ask for help.  It's ok to use other tools that people close to you or that you know of aren't using.  It's your journey.  Your life.

189; My Journey Almost Didn't Happen (WIW)

If you've never joined the Weigh In Wednesday link up - DO IT!  (And by do it, I mean click on the graphic box there and read some wonderful stories!)

I stopped working out between the group meeting and the appointment.  I knew that I was close to going under the BMI and didn't want to have issues qualifying. In fact, I drove home from the group session and ate Culvers in the car as I was driving.  I think instinctively I knew I was in trouble.  Pete and I drove to my appointment because he had one that day too.  But I came out of the office in tears.  I was 37.1 BMI and insurance wouldn't pay for it if I didn't qualify with one of the co-morbidity's.

I was crushed.  All the hard work for the last few years and losing 20-30 pounds made me ineligible, but yet I couldn't keep losing?  It didn't seem fair.  It still doesn't seem fair.  So I had some success, but couldn't continue it.  So what, I was supposed to eat my way back to 40+ BMI so I could get the help I needed?  That doesn't seem right either.  And basing it all on the BMI?  It's not an equal measure, it's supposed to be a starting place.  I cried like a baby that night with my puppy licking my tears.

But in the end it turns out that I have sleep apnea and my cholesterol was high so I qualified anyway.  I passed the nutritionist and the psychological evaluation and suddenly I had my appointment for surgery.  I just needed to lose 5% of my losing goal.  11 pounds.  It seemed that the motivation I needed to lose came from that deadline.  If only someone could deadline me all the time like this!  My ultimate goal was and still is, to get to 175 and see what my body looked like.  At 175 I'm still overweight according to the BMI, but I stopped relying on that to tell me about my body and started using my eyes and the eyes of those around me.  At 175 I want to see my body and see what it looks like.  I want to see my body through the eyes of those around me and get their opinion.  I want to be healthy first and awesomely hot second.

My surgery date turned out to be 3/21/12, the day before my 42nd birthday.  Usually my family goes out to eat for birthdays and Pete and I have cake on my birthday.  This year I was drinking broth and jello 2 days before and the day of my birthday I was having the same.  No cake for me.  At surgery I weighed 219, which was my goal.  The surgery wasn't bad.  I had seen Pete go through it so I knew what to expect.  And I went home with my diet to work my way back up to eating real food.

Along the way I haven't had many issues.  I did try to go back to work to early and almost ended up on the floor.  I learned my lesson and took a couple more days off.  They filled my band slowly and I really didn't start to feel restriction until about October of 2012.  I'd been steadily losing 3-5 pounds each month and was happy with my progression.  I told Pete that when I reached my goal of 175 I wanted a make over with a facial, massage, nails, hair and make up. I also wanted a tattoo that I've been thinking about.  As 200 got closer I decided that I'd reward myself with a small ring tattoo when I was at 200 or lower for a month.

I got that first tattoo in October.  But I also started experiencing sticking and issues with my gastric band.  And let me tell you, they're not fun.  They hurt.  And they're scary when you don't know what's happening or how to fix it.  I've detailed some of those in posts like this, and this one.  I've sense figured out that if I want to use the band, I need to use the band.  I need to listen to it and eat how I'm supposed to.  Things like dry meat, squishy bread, fibrous fruits...all will stick if I'm not chewing correctly.  A burger in a bun?  The textures are too different for me so I eat the burger and fixings and forget the bun.  It's changes to my diet, but I'm no where from deprived.

Would I do it again?  The whole journey so far?  Yes.  You learn things along the way through the battles that you would never learn otherwise.  You struggle and want to give up, but smile when you're on the other side of the hill going forward.  I'm excited to keep going and see where this healthiness journey will get me.

190; Our Separate Journeys

I started getting up before work to head to the gym and walk on the treadmill.  At times I'd do 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the weight machines.  My own circuits.  Pete would sometimes go, but more often than not, he'd stay sleeping. 

That's the thing about Pete and I.  Our journeys both include the gastric band, but the road taken for each of us is different.  It seems that when Pete is super motivated and going to the gym a lot, I lose my momentum.  But he always encourages and asks.  When I am super motivated, he lacks motivation and I always ask.  It's not judging or putting the other down at all.  It's simply asking if he wants to join me.

After a couple of months the Y had  Personal Training Blitz where you got some free sessions for buying a package.  So I bought one.  Then I got scared.  I was at the gym every Monday when it opened at 5am with my trainer Tanya.  I didn't know what a trainer was supposed to do, but she fit my schedule so it worked.  At the time I thought that she wasn't a very good trainer, but I was wrong.

Tanya and I would spend 60 minutes doing a different routine and then I'd repeat it later in the week.  She gave me cardio goals and helped track my eating.  At that time I was using SparkPeople to track my food on my iPhone.  But I was a slave to that phone and even that I lied to.  I'd eat 2 of something and call it 1 or I'd eat part of something and call it one serving when it was really 3 or 4.

By the end of the summer I'd had 2 rounds of training with Tanya and I felt stronger, but hadn't lost much more than 20 pounds.  Pete and I left in October and went on an anniversary trip to the Southeast US to see his family and see a bunch of cities.  I'm not going to lie, I planned where we stayed by the food I could find in restaurants on TripAdvisor and other websites.  Pete and I had our anniversary dinner at High Cotton in Charleston, SC.  It was the best meal I've every had.  I still dream of it.  At the end, we had staff take our photo.

Pete at 325 pounds and me at 260 pounds.

Pete says that he knew that this trip was his rock bottom.  He looks at this photo now and can't believe how big he was.  At that time, I thought I was cute.  I thought I wasn't 'that' big.  I thought I was doing ok and I wasn't ready for what Pete was.  Pete was ready to seek out the help of the gastric band.  And when we got back home he made an appointment to see a surgeon.

I have lots of older posts about Pete's journey. In fact, if you search the label: Mid Week With Pete, the posts I did about his journey should come up. My journey takes a back seat here, and that's ok. It's not to say that I wasn't working, it's just that Pete's journey is part of my journey.

Pete went to see a bariatric surgeon. Actually he had to go to a group meeting thing that explained the surgeries and then he could make an appointment. So I went with him. I remember sitting in the room in the over sized chairs and thinking that this really wasn't for me, because I didn't fill up the chair. Pete decided that he wanted to have a gastric band and made his appointment.

Part of the process for the center that we both went to is that you have to meet criteria for your insurance and their program. This means a BMI of over 40 and if under that, co-morbidity's to qualify you. Pete had a sleep study done to rule out apnea, he had a psychological evaluation, appointments with a nutritionist, had to show that he had tried to lose weight on his own...there are other things, but that's most of them.

In March of 2011 he had his surgery. At the time, he had already lost 60 pounds. Like I said before, when he makes his mind up to lose, he's a pro at it. But he wasn't working at the time and could spend 2 hours a day in the gym doing cardio and still be the house husband. And to be totally honest, this is when I started getting jealous of him and started wondering if it wasn't my path to do this too.

By June 2011 he was down almost 90 pounds. I was jealous as HELL. And I made myself a deal to work out and watch what I ate until 9/1/11. If I wasn't getting anywhere by then I'd seek out gastric banding myself. I spent that summer working out 4 days a week, running on weekends when we were at motorcycle camping events and sharing meals with Pete because he was restricted. I lost some, but not a whole lot.

In September I made my own appointment for the group meeting. I decided I wasn't going to do it on my own. I was tired of the continual struggle and didn't want to live like that for the rest of my life. I couldn't seem to get all the pieces together myself and I realized that I needed some help.

I remember sitting in that meeting and noticing that I was the smallest one there. Everyone stared at me. But I made my appointment with Pete's surgeon and got kind of excited to start a new chapter.

190; Getting Serious

Pete and I survived over the summer of 2008.  I was planning the wedding on my own and doing everything.  Pete was mourning his father and dealing with all the stuff that happens after a parent is gone.

In September Pete and I said our I Do's.

Look how happy we were! I remember going in for my last fitting and the seamstress telling me that I had lost weight because she had to take it in a bit again and I had to go back right before the wedding to pick it up.  But in all honesty, I hadn't lost anything.  Because I wasn't doing anything.  Neither was Pete.

After the wedding stuff settled down I talked Pete into joining a different no frills gym.  I figured that this was the way we started before so let's do it again.  Only he did it because I asked him to, not because he wanted to.  And I had no motivation or conviction to go either.  I think we paid for about 6 months of late 2008 and early 2009 and went a total of 6 times. 

I remember that I bought this beautiful flowy blue shirt to wear at Christmas 2009.  I remember that I had to buy a larger size jean.  I was back up to size 24 jeans and 2X shirts.  But I felt more in fashion and better about myself.  Christmas Eve came and I could hardly walk on my right knee.  A slave to fashion I wore my high heeled boots and limped the entire day.

When it wasn't better after New Years I made an appointment with my doctor.  She took an xray and found nothing.  She suggested that I see an orthopaedic surgeon.  I remember that they showed me to the exam room and gave me a pair of paper shorts to put on while he examined me.  Only the shorts didn't fit.  They were the largest size and they didn't fit.  I was ashamed.

After the MRI I went back to see the surgeon, only this time I wore my own shorts.  He told me that I had worn a divot out of my knee cap and had arthritis pretty badly in the knee.  I wasn't a candidate for surgery yet, but he guessed that I'd have a knee replacement by the time I was 45-50.  I was 39 at the time.  39.

I went to physical therapy and did the exercises and my knee improved.  And by the end of January 2010 I joined the YMCA.  I pulled Pete along with me, begrudgingly. 

(Thank you for following my story!)

189; The Start

Firstly, I have to thank Hubby Jack for the awesome new blog design.  Check out his site.  He made it very easy for me to have an updated look that fits my personality.

Secondly, it's weigh in Wednesday.  If you haven't checked out Erin or Alex's blogs, please do so now.  They've both got very different stories, but both are compelling.  And join the link up!  Visit those links and find inspiration and motivation and possibly new friends in the bloggers!

I am still at 189.  But given that I've been on my back all doped up and eating what felt good for the last 3 days AND not working out, I'll take it. 

In 2007 Pete moved into my little townhouse.  (We were living in sin.)  When he moved in, he brought his treadmill.  He had been working out and losing weight and doing a great job.  He never said a word to me about my weight.  Ever.  He called me Babydoll, Beautiful One, Gorgeous One...but never said a word about my weight.  To him I was perfect.  I think that's why I love him so much.  He loves me for who I am in the moment.  Not who I was or who I could become.

I watched him that summer, losing weight and running his ass off for 6-10 miles every afternoon while I sat up in the kitchen and cooked high fat, high cholesterol, high everything dinners.  One day I got home from work before he did and I decided to jump on the treadmill.  I walked a mile in about 23 minutes and was pretty proud of myself for working out.  Really.  I sweated my ass off in that hot garage and huffed and puffed my way to a mile.  The first time I seriously tried to work out at all. 

The summer continued and I started going to work early and leaving early so that I could walk my mile before Pete got home.  He would run his miles and I would cook what I thought were healthy dinners. 

When I look back to that summer it was the start of something inside me.  It was the feeling that I could lose weight.  I could look and feel better.  I think it came from Pete's example.  It came from seeing how he worked and got results.  It came from the gentle motivation from him every time I proclaimed that my mile got faster.  It came from the feeling that I got after walking that mile and knowing that I burned calories.  Somehow, I was determined to really look at how I was living and make some changes. 

(I'll continue my journey tomorrow!)

191; Body Acceptance

I know I've been promising updates about my surgery and the last year and photos. While partly I've been waiting for a blog redesign,  I think subconsciously I have been avoiding it because of some skin issues. 

Yesterday afternoon I took a break from reviewing files and read the news.  I found this quote:

These were all women of various sizes and shapes and some, like me, bore the marks of a difficult life. My tattoos represent much of the pain and suffering I have endured. They are part of me, just like my scars, my fat, my eternal struggle with gravity. None of our bodies are 'perfect.'

The quote is from Margaret Cho and it spoke to me.  If you don't know who she is, she's a comic who's been heavy and lost weight.  She's spoken out about not getting jobs in entertainment because of her weight and the mind games it led her to play.  Margaret seems to have come to terms with her body, good, bad or otherwise.

I never understood tattoos until I met Pete.  I mean I understand that you get them and live with them, but I didn't really get them.  Shortly after we met, we were walking in a park talking and I asked him about his tattoos and then I asked if he regretted any of them.  I'll never forget that he told me very quickly that he never regretted them.  Even the ones that had lost some of the meaning.  He explained that they told the story of his life, they made him remember just where he was and what he was doing and how he felt.  I got it.  I understand tattoos (for most people) are like the storyboard of their life.  I'm not saying that there are some dumb tats from people who didn't think them out that are bad, but for those who really think about tats, they're the story.

It also lead me back to NieNie's Tuesday Post about the beauty of a woman.  "A woman's skin tells her story. Where she's been.  How she's lived. What she's accomplished."  Nienie talks about her plane crash and shows the years of change that her new skin, mixed with her old skin does tell the story of her life.  Not the life that she imagined, but her life none the less.

Yesterday as I read Margaret's quote and thought back to NieNie's post, I was first upset that they made Margaret cover her body up.  Then I got to the end of Margaret's quote and thought, crap, that's me.  I thought back to NieNie's post and realized that the two go hand in hand.  I wondered why I couldn't see this before.  Then I thought that maybe I had, but can't really accept it. 

What am I rambling about?  The story of my life, my storyboard.  My body.  Maybe mine isn't covered in tats.  But I have scars and saggy skin and wrinkles.  Some of the scars - like the dog bites on my face and my TMJ surgeries - I've learned to accept and to live with.  I've learned they are part of me.  I don't even think twice about them any longer because it's been so long that they are me. 

The newer scars and saggy skin and lumps/bumps and wrinkles, they're harder to accept.  But they tell my story too, my more recent story.  Why am I ashamed of them?  Why do they lead me to be less than happy about where I am?  Why?  partly because I ABUSED my body for long long by being overweight and not doing anything about it.  So it's my "fault".  Partly because it's not the picture I had in my head about what would happen when I lost weight - I thought I'd be "perfect".  Partly because I haven't lost all the weight that I wanted to, yet.

But at the same time, how can I deny my journey thus far?  How can I deny the hard work and the dedication and the changes that I've made?  So I'm going to have a nice big 4/1/13 post ready that outlines my journey progress, complete with photos.  It's my journey dammit and I'm claiming it.

 

188.2; Weigh In Wednesday

It's Wednesday.  Midweek.  I'm still at 188.  I say still with some defeat that it's not gone lower.  But I also say still with pride that it's not going up.  I believe that I am definitely in the 180's to stay.  Hip Hip Hooray!

Tomorrow is a big day.  1 year since my Realize Band was put in.  I year of struggles and learning.  I year of losing and gaining some an losing again.  I've been reflecting with Pete and hopefully I can get some of those emotions and feelings down for you.  I'm also trying to get Pete to take some photos of me so that I can compare before and after.  I'm afraid of put them out for the world to see, but it's my journey, you know?  And it's authentic.  Mine.

Friday is another big day.  I'll be 43.  And I have to renew my drivers license.  Usually this is a pain and I hate it.  I can't wait to have a new photo taken!  And for the first time since high school, the weight on my license will be TRUE!  I can honestly say that I'm excited to renew this year!

187.6; Behinder and Behinder

I had a migraine yesterday.  Thus the lack of posting.

I missed Weigh in Wednesday. I'm holding strong at 187 and some the last week.  Partly it's due to a couple of days where food just wasn't going down well.  I'd eat a bit and be done.  Just done.  Then I got a fill of my band on Monday.  I was at 9.75 (out of 11cc's) and added .3.  I think things were/are going well, but I wanted to feel a bit more restriction at meals. I certainly had the capacity to eat more an 1 to 1.5 cups at a meal.  Since the fill I'm right at that cup or so for eat meal and 2 snacks.  Last night for dinner I had a hard boiled egg and a cup of chocolate coy milk.  Lots of protein some carbs.  I was full. 

I was awake at 4am today.  The dog was barking at something downstairs, but I'm not sure what it was.  So I've been at work since just before 6 am.  Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be gone from work.  I am behind because we have people out of the unit that we are covering for.  I am behind because I am the contact while my supervisor is out of the office on vacation.  Add in a day off and I am behinder and behinder.  So 6am I was in clearing out documents and trying to get caught up.

I KEEKED this morning about being behind.  That's when I noticed that I seemed to have Fraggle Rock hair:

 

 

 

  See the floating hair at the top of my head?  Yep.  Fraggle Rock hair. 

*sigh*  It's almost the weekend, right?  I need the weekend soon, ok?

187.6: Protein

I'm determined that one day the scale at the doctor's office will match my scale at home.  Although I'm guessing that the doctor's office frowns on nakedness in the hallways.  But I would wear one of those paper gowns that barely covers my midsection and has no ties. 

3/21/13 marks 1 year since my surgery.  I have lots of updates and photos planned for next week.  3/22/13 is my 43rd birthday.  I am freaking O.L.D. 

So the CDC recommends that women over 19 consume 46 grams of protein a day.  It's been a while since I logged food, but I did it for the last few days to check out where I'm at.  I'm averaging about 30 grams a day.  Much less than what I should be getting.  And in talking with the nutritionist, it may be the cause of my want to snack between meals.

So I'm on a mission to get more protein.  First, she suggested that I drink a protein shake before working out.  She is concerned that my workout comes after 8 hours of fasting while I'm sleeping.  Good in theory, not so good in practice.  I'm up at 4:30am to get to the gym.  I'm barely awake, let alone willing to eat.  Prior to surgery I'd eat 1/2 a LaraBar or 1/2 a banana before working out and the other half when I was done.  But after surgery I realized that my band wasn't going to let me eat early - it needed to warm up and relax. 

So this morning I used Pete's Body by Vi mix to make myself a protein shake:  1 scoop of shake mix for 6 grams, 2 Tblsp PB2 for 5 grams and 1 cup soy chocolate milk for 5 grams = total 16 grams.  Mixed it up and sat in the kitchen trying to drink.  It went down slowly - over about 15 minutes.  I headed to the gym and by the time I got there 10 minutes later my tummy was not happy.  I ended up walking for 40 minutes because my stomach was so upset that I couldn't bounce while running.  No good.

So now what?  Pete suggested just trying 1/2 cup soy milk and then a protein shake after working out for breakfast instead of my oatmeal or with my oatmeal (it's only 100 calories).  I don't know what I'll do, but it's got to be something different.  I'm also focusing on protein my meals and snacks.  I had the shake for breakfast/workout this morning and my mid morning snack was a hard boiled egg.  I have fruit and some cheese for an afternoon snack if I feel I need it.

Are you getting enough protein?

192; Eating Out After Surgery

So this month marks 2 years since Pete had his gastric band and a year since I had mine.  I'll have updates from us both later this month.

But I want to talk about eating out.  In reality we don't eat out that much anymore.  Partly because we cut back when Pete was on unemployment, partly because we have a pup to come home to and let out and partly because it's tricky to order after surgery.

First of all I don't even want to discourage anyone from having any surgery to help with weight loss.  It's a tool that I choose to use.  Certainly if it was a wonder surgery I'd be 150 pounds by now.  Clearly, at 190 and struggling, it's not.  But there are aspects of life that you have to change after you have surgery.  Eating out is one of them.  At least for me.

When Pete had his surgery, our plan on eating out was that we'd split an entree and an appetizer.  This way we got enough food for both of us and enough of a choice/variety for both of us.  But then I had my surgery and our amount of food was even less, we decided that for the most part, we'd be splitting meals out.  Now that's not to say that we don't ever each order a whole meal, it happens sometimes.  Then we have a lot of leftovers.  It's always a dance over who chooses what.  But Pete is a gentleman and usually lets me choose, as long as it's something that he would eat too.

But there are issues.  As we've found out, nothing is ever without issues.  There are times that restaurants are hesitant allowing us to split a meal.  We have to explain that we both have surgery and can't finish the whole meal.  Some of them will then actually split the beautiful plate so that we each enough half the meal.  Some will refuse to split the plate and Pete and I eat off the same plate.  How romantic, right?  LOL  And still other places charge a split plate fee.  Anywhere from $5-$10.  At times the fee is almost as much as another entree; in those cases we just order a second entree and plan on lots of leftovers.

To be honest, I understand that in the more expensive restaurants we are playing with their presentation.  However, at the chain places, it shouldn't be that big of a deal - nothing is really artfully arranged.  So at times it again feels like we are penalized.  Before it was paying more for larger sizes of clothes, now it's more to eat less food.  Penalty.

I have to say that my dream eating out meal is a burger.  But it's not happened for me.  Maybe that's why I still dream of it?  There is nothing like a burger out with all the stuff on it that I don't keep at home and all the sauces and cheese that I can fit on it.  The issue for me is that I can't eat the burger with the bun.  The textures of the two are so different that it gets stuck.  So I avoid that.  But then the burger is sometimes really dry with the stuff taken off.  So then it gets stuck too.  A homemade burger isn't the same and I can't really recreate it.  So as of today, my dream meal out is a juicy burger with fries!

191; ReThinking Goals/Progress

So I'm a little more than 30 days out from my 1 year mark since surgery.

My goal was always and still is to get to 175 pounds.  Even though the BMI calculators say that I should be between 115-154 pounds.

At 190 my BMI is still 30 and I am considered obese. I have to be honest.  When I think about how far I have come and still see that by most people's standards I am obese, it is like a slap in the face. Because lets be honest, the whole BMI chart is not the end all be all of how to determine if you are healthy.  It's misleading.  But it's what the majority of the public thinks about when they think about how to determine size.  In reality it was meant to be a screening tool that leads to other discussions and tests about one's health.  But it's become the chart that everyone uses to determine if someone is healthy. 

However, even the CDC agrees that it's not totally reliable.  There are too many other factors to consider that can't be determined from a few numbers and a quick calculation.  And I am at a disadvantage.  I'm a woman who tends to hold more fat than a man and I'm "older" and older people tend to hold more fat than younger people. 

Other factors can help at quick glance.  If your waist size is smaller, you're likely more healthy because belly fat is hard on your body, same with neck size.  Additionally, how active are you?  The more active you are, even if larger, the better off you are.  And finally what does your frame look like?  I'm not some small boned little girl.  Never have been.  115 would make me simply anorexic and frail.  154?  I might be able to get there, but I'd still have excess skin and a lot of it that would have to factor in.

Still, seeing that freaking fracking, dumb word OBESE jump out at me, sucks.  For at 190 I am the most thin that I have been since college, 20+ years ago.

Being 175 would place me in the overweight category.  And again that SUCKS.  Who doesn't want to be normal?  Not thin or skinny, but just normal for cripes sake?  It's pisses me off.  Over the weekend I realized that I was ok with my body in a tank top tucked in to my jeans.  Let's repeat this - stretchy shirt tucked into my jeans.  This is important because it's likely how I'll be spending my summer on the motorcycle.  Critically, I know that I can lose mass around my thighs and I'm not sure how much is still fat and how much is excess skin, but they're bigger.  And I can stand to lose mass around my upper arms.  Same thing - some fat and some excess skin.  I have a slight pooch above my port that again I can't tell if it's excess fat or skin.  Those are my critical areas.  But for the most part I'm happy with me.  I just want to be that normal 42 (almost 43) year old woman who enjoys a healthy life.

So I'm still searching out that 175.  Getting there from where I'm at isn't going to be easy, I can tell that now.  It's going to be a struggle, shaking things up, working hard and figuring out how to get it done.  But I'm willing to do it.  Beyond 175?  I don't know.  Ask me at 175 how it looks on my frame.  Ask my what my critical areas are again.  Ask me what my goal is after that.  Ask me how much I'm willing to put into it versus how much I'm wanting to just enjoy where I am.  Ask me all this then.  By that time I may have a whole different perspective or I may still be thinking that 175 is pretty damn good.